Two (Gross) Bathroom Pet Peeves
1.) When there are obviously more open stalls but they choose the one next to you.
This isn't as bad at urinals because you're out of there pretty quickly, and the person next to you has less of a chance of smelling like crap. There are also people who get in the stall next to you, and then slam the door, slam the seat down. They're probably also the same people who let out an obnoxious sigh when they sit down, like they've been waiting a week for this moment.
2.) When people don't know how to wipe.
I know this is a gross discussion, but that's the point. I'm grossed out by it, so I need to find out if all of the world's middle aged men are equally gross. I probably don't notice the exceptions because usually the worse things are more memorable, but I swear, the majority of people I've heard wiping (at work) do this. wshawshawshawsha. That's right, they scrub. Now I guess if it was self-cleaning, it would be okay if you did that, maybe you just want to polish up the rear. BUT, the people who do this do it for several wipes! Now I'm a one swipe guy. Toilet paper is not expensive enough NOT to be. I just can't stand the thought, but can't help to think, what is going on when someone scrubs like that. Absolutely disgusting. Are they trying to work it back in or something? Where is it GOING? Are you disgusted yet? AHHH...maybe you're just disgusted, but I'm seriously pissed off. How do you confront this sort of thing.
As someone is coming into the stall next to me, I'm going to start saying, "Excuse me grossy, don't sit next to me. Neither of us want to smell each other, and if you want to smell me, then you should get it through your gross head that I might not want to smell you." Then when he finds a stall, I'll tell him to make sure he doesn't scrub his nastiness back into his skin.
This isn't as bad at urinals because you're out of there pretty quickly, and the person next to you has less of a chance of smelling like crap. There are also people who get in the stall next to you, and then slam the door, slam the seat down. They're probably also the same people who let out an obnoxious sigh when they sit down, like they've been waiting a week for this moment.
2.) When people don't know how to wipe.
I know this is a gross discussion, but that's the point. I'm grossed out by it, so I need to find out if all of the world's middle aged men are equally gross. I probably don't notice the exceptions because usually the worse things are more memorable, but I swear, the majority of people I've heard wiping (at work) do this. wshawshawshawsha. That's right, they scrub. Now I guess if it was self-cleaning, it would be okay if you did that, maybe you just want to polish up the rear. BUT, the people who do this do it for several wipes! Now I'm a one swipe guy. Toilet paper is not expensive enough NOT to be. I just can't stand the thought, but can't help to think, what is going on when someone scrubs like that. Absolutely disgusting. Are they trying to work it back in or something? Where is it GOING? Are you disgusted yet? AHHH...maybe you're just disgusted, but I'm seriously pissed off. How do you confront this sort of thing.
As someone is coming into the stall next to me, I'm going to start saying, "Excuse me grossy, don't sit next to me. Neither of us want to smell each other, and if you want to smell me, then you should get it through your gross head that I might not want to smell you." Then when he finds a stall, I'll tell him to make sure he doesn't scrub his nastiness back into his skin.
posted by shawn @ 6:06 AM
13 Comments:
At 9:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
I agree thoroughly. I've always thought the "wshawshawshawsha" was a strange sound, to the point where I wondered if it was actually wiping that i was hearing at all.
I propose a bathroom etiquette list. I'll start.
1. Do not talk to me while I am using the urinal. I can't do (these) two things at once apparently. Maybe some people can, but you should be aware of those of us who cannot.
2. Stall anonymity is a must. (which relates to the previous no-talking rule) Who knows what might happen in there? Any passers-by might assume that a loud bowel movement is a regular occurance, and thus label you a loud-bowel-mover, when in fact you are simply a Taco Bell eater.
2. As mentioned, never, ever go next to me if there are other urinals or stalls available. In fact, if there are several available, it is desirable for us to be as far apart as possible. I am not your friend while I am peeing.
3. Do not hock a loogie into the urinal when I am around. The sound of your mucus-saliva mixture hitting the contents of the urinal bowl is sickening. Those liquids need not be mixed.
4. This is obvious for most, but happens on occassion. Never pull your pants down at a urinal. Not necessary. As a joke it may be acceptable, but if you are serious, you may be a little disturbed.
5. Farting at the urinal is never necessary. It represents the possibility that perhaps you have chosen the wrong bathroom apparatus. If you have to fart, I would venture to say that your potty condition is close enough to a "Number Two" to necessitate a stall.
6. Wash your hands.
7. If your poo is remarkably stinky and there is no end in sight, a courtesy flush is always a great idea.
I'll let you know if I think of any more.
At 10:03 AM,
shawn said…
8. Don't have a conversation across me. This one time, these two guys were discussing something as they entered the bathroom, and they both approached the urinals, one on each side (they weren't both directly next to me). They continued to talk and glance at each other so that I felt I needed to lean back to give them a good line-of-sight. If you're going to continue your conversation, use the same urinal or something.
At 10:40 AM,
Chris Trumble said…
5 is a good one. i think people hold their farts in as much as possible then think: it's a bathroom, it's okay. I've been letting out little fluffers all day, but in here, it's tuba time.
at work we have a basic 2 stall+2 urinal setup. the 2 most disturbing but fairly common occurances are as follows. 1) a double park conversation. you dont need to chat while double deucing. it's sick enough that you can stomach each others close range fart air, you dont need to be low five-ing under the stall wall. 2) is the 30 degree angle. your facing the wall, your left is zero degrees, your right is 90. straight ahead is 45. when at a urinal, turning to 30 degrees and starting a conversation is the equivalent to asking "do you see this thing?"
all of this leads to my tales of the dreaded ball-hair bandit. stay tuned...
At 12:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
Shawn-
That would definately be the awkwardest thing the world. I don't think its ever happened to me, but i can imagine.
Chris-
I am glad to know you are on board with the anti-tuba situation. its good to know when friends are on the same page about these important issues.
maybe "degrees" should be another rule.
9. When at a urinal, one's body must be parallel to the wall ahead of him at all times.
At 6:04 AM,
shawn said…
Okay, tuba time is disgusting. And I don't do it, and I'm pretty grossed out when the sound of wet flatulance fills the air.
BUT...at least the person had the decency to go in the bathroom. Should they be expected to hold it in all day? Or do they just need to go in a stall and do it?
At my work, the closest bathroom has 12 stalls and 6 or 7 urinals, so basically, you're never alone.
So when, where, and how should the gassy fiend equalize his gasses?
At 7:08 AM,
Chris Trumble said…
i guess i agree that the bathroom is the place for farts, above say, the conference room. still not good to hear.
jason, good rule. concise.
i had a manager once that while urinating, had two definitive "poses".
1) head tilted back in near-extacy, bordering on an unsafe distance from the target, with clenched fist resting triumphantly on hip, forming and almost perfect isosceles triangle.
2)body forms a right triangle with the wall and floor. forearm, against wall, supports head. you might assume this position after your team has lost the big game and you are moaping in the locker room, you know except with your wangus in your hand.
At 9:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
HAHA! I'm trying not to laugh out loud after reading that.
In regard to the all-to-important issue of workplace flatulents, i think we must always remember that tubas are usually not necessary. One thing that our gender often forgets is that it is a simple matter to "hold it", just as it would be for peepee. If it is an emergency fart, then fine, whatever. but believe it or not, farts can indeed be contained until one reaches a stall.
By the "if you feel it, do it" line of logic, it would be reasonable for us to fill our pants every time we feel the urge to urinate. The only difference between the two is that pee is liquid, more obvious. Farts give the illusion that one can "get away with it". But farts are just as offensive as urine, if not moreso.
Oh, and i thought about my parallel rule...it leaves room for head-rotation. to revise:
9. When at a urinal, one's face and body must both be parallel to the wall ahead of him at all times.
At 10:49 AM,
Chris Trumble said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 10:50 AM,
Chris Trumble said…
alright guys, i need to talk about the grossest bathroom encounter i've had. hopefully it will be therapeutic. our office is seemingly under the curse of the ball-hair bandit(codename: public hare bandit) one day there were a couple of short hairs on the rim of the urinal. i thought to myself, "GROSS!" i was unaware of the severity of the crime. for the next two weeks, every so often i would go to pee and be confronted by one or more pubic hairs on the urinal. early speculations blamed an overly vigorous shaker, or a pubic mane scratcher/fluffer. those theories were all but debunked when the attacks became more deliberate. someone realized that every hair left there was bent into perfect, although rudimentary letters. O, U, C, G. it turned into a gross but captivating word game. was he trying to say 'cougars'? possibly, but an 'R' would be difficult. letters were repeated. I, O, O, C, G, M (or W) there just weren't enough consonants, let alone letters that would require multiple hairs. sad to say, the bandit haunts to this very day. Just when you think he's moved on, A NEW C! TWO O's! but never an H. Beware my contemporaries, you might be marked next...
At 12:06 PM,
shawn said…
Chris-
That's so strange that I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't know if you're just being overanalytical or completely joking, or crazy. And...I just don't know. What I do know is that if that is true, the ball bandit had better wash his hands thoroughly.
Jason-
What are you a woman? I totally disagree that one needs to be in a stall to fart. What I do agree on, is that tubas are unnecessary, even the brass ones. I think what our gender needs to learn is that you don't have to force out your fart like you just came up for air or something. Just relax your booty.
In addition, your "'if you feel it, do it' line of logic" logic is faulty. As gross as farting is, it's a lot different than peeing. If you stood next to me wetting your pants in the bathroom, I would be more offended (and embarrassed for both of us) than if you farted in the bathroom and I was enveloped in the cloud for a moment. If they had a fart chute, you could compare the two, but there is no[t yet] such thing as a fart chute and so if you're going to compare grossness, you have to compare farting out in the open with peeing out in the open. And on the topic of fart chutes: as much as I don't want to hear someones nasty fart, I don't really expect them to walk in the stall, fart, and walk back out. Furthermore, as gross as a tuba fart at the urinal is, I think a tuba/poopy fart in the stall is worse.
At 7:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
My apologies, I think I was misleading. I wasn't implying that we should never ever fart. I meant to emphasize that tubas can be held in if necessary. I am all for the silent kind, though I have always controlled them around girls.
I don't see why liquid is worse than gas. It's really just more noticeable. If someone peed their pants with the same attitude that many guys take when they fart (childish amusement), as if I was expected to laugh it off (this would be assuming that we existed in a culture that was somewhat more accepting of such action), as if peeing ones pants should be taken lightly, I feel that an odor would have a stronger effect on me than wet pants since the embarrassment factor would be removed, leveling the playing field.
At 4:19 AM,
Chris Trumble said…
i'm not so sure. the difference is staying power. if i fart, it can go through my pants, displaying the very properties that make it less gross. if you fart, it goes away. if you pee it won't go away until you clean it up.
At 4:55 AM,
shawn said…
I guess it depends on the urine's water content for me. And how many times one has soiled the same pair of pants. You know how mixing urine smells whack?
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